He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
It's blow job season.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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