I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
