I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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