Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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