non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
