No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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