Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
We don't watch enough power rangers
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
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