Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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