perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
