I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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