It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Never joke about your clitoris.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
