It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
