my room smells like sperm. sweet.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
