rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
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oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
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Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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