the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
