I will die if light touches me.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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