just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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