She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
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