I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
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