You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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