That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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