they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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