Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
