I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
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He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
But break dance skills will only take you so far
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What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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