I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
