Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
