I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Randomize
