I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
So many bounce houses so little time
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I didn't notice because vodka
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
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