your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
