i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
