dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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