my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
