I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
