the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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