I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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