Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
