just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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