toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Randomize
