We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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