well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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