totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
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...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
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I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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