last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
