When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I'm just crazy horny about you
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
