I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
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I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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