I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
