I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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