i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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