i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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