We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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