so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
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