Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
