What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
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