there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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