.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Come see our sink grown plant.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
They are going to name an STD after you.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
